I’ve actually never shared the full story of how I ended up gaining so much weight. I figured this was a good time to share.
Overweighted Episode 002 Transcript
Malaika Burley: Before I get into it, I want to recognize the fact that the word fat might be a trigger for some people. I apologize in advance. But the funny thing is, the word fat really has no power over me. I know I’m overweight, I know I’m obese. And actually, I hate the word obese, more than the fact that I hate the word fat. So I just want to put that out there.
When I Started Gaining Weight
But this is my story of how I gained weight. And funny thing is I’ve never really shared everything about my story. And this is the first time I’m really saying it out loud and going into depth. So first off, I grew up skinny, I was really thin. Growing up, you know, through elementary, middle school, high school. In high school, for instance, I weighed 100 pounds, and I’m five, five and a half. So I was about five, five in high school. And yeah, it was 100 pounds. So my senior year of high school, I actually started to put on a little weight. And I was like, 115 pounds when I graduated, so I had gained a little bit of weight. And in college, that’s when I first gained, I guess, a significant amount of weight. My first year in college, I gained like 20 pounds, so I was 135 pounds, which is still very much a healthy weight for my size, but going from, you know, before being 100 to 135. I just felt like I had ballooned up at that time. And then by the time I graduated college, I was weighing 155 pounds. And so that is really, when I started my weight loss, weight gain cycle, I just felt so big, and especially looking at pictures. And of course, now when I look at those pictures, I would slap my former self, because I was not fat at all. But you know, looking back now, you know, in hindsight, you know, you can see 2020 In hindsight, but at that time, I just felt so big, I was bigger than you know, a lot of my friends. And so that just made me feel ginormous at the time.
The Cycle of Losing and Gaining
And so I started trying to do all the things to lose weight. And that started me in the cycle of losing and gaining and losing and gaining, you know, I can remember specifically, I was about 180 or so pounds. And I was like I will never allow myself to get over 200 pounds in weight. And of course I did. And then I remember when I was 200 and something pounds, I was like I will never allow myself to get over 300 pounds. And yeah, of course I did. But so throughout my adult life, I could not figure out why on earth, I could not lose this weight and keep it off. I had all of the knowledge, I knew how to lose the weight, even in a healthy manner. But for whatever reason, I could not keep it off. And I knew that for some people, they were dealing with traumatic issues and things that happen, maybe in their younger years that it caused them to become overweight in their adult years and trauma that they were dealing with. I knew that there were instances where people have hormonal issues or thyroid issues, where that’s causing them to be overweight, and that they were going to have issues with losing weight. But none of that was the case for me.
Why I Kept Gaining Weight
And I could not figure out for the life of me. Why do I keep having this issue of not being able to keep the weight off. And it wasn’t until I actually spoke with a life coach. And I was actually wanting to get coaching for my business. But I didn’t realize at the time coaching was still really new. I didn’t realize there was a difference between a business coach and a life coach. She was actually a life coach, not a business coach. But during our discovery call. My weight was an issue that got brought up because I felt like my weight was something that was holding me back in business. And through conversation with her. She asked me Well, do you think that having this weight is a way for you to reject people before they reject you? That was like the lightbulb aha moment for me because that’s exactly what I was doing. I was using the weight as a way to protect myself from being hurt. And because I was so tired of being hurt, I just started putting on weight to push people away so that they didn’t have the opportunity to hurt me. So I was basically rejecting them before they could reject me. So I’m gonna backtrack a little bit and explain why I was doing that.
Why I Was Rejecting People
So when I look back over my life, I realized that I was being really directors are being hurt by the people that I wanted to love me the most. And I remember even all the way back to being young, maybe in elementary school or so. I used to speak so properly like the way I’m talking right now is not the way I used to speak back then, me being the people pleaser, like I used to be, I started altering the way that I spoke, because I would speak so properly that even my own family members were making fun of me. And you know, they would be calling me white girl, and why do you talk so proper, and that hurt, because these were people that I wanted to love me unconditionally, and it didn’t seem like they did. And then in high school, going through school, I remember for some reason, it just seemed like some girls just didn’t like me. And these were girls of my own ethnicity. These are the ones that I wanted to like me and love me the most. These were the ones that we were in the same neighborhood, we rode the same bus, and there was only about 10% of us in our school. Again, I just remember being hurt by those people that I wanted to love me the most. And of course, in college, there was a few things with boyfriends where I get hurt, you know, that’s something that a lot of us go through. And I remember back then I would go jog, whenever I was upset, and I needed to let off some steam or let some hurt go. But obviously, that stopped as I got older. And also in college, I remember trying out for the dance team. And I would make it all the way to the finals. And then I would basically choke. So I got rejected by the dance team. So I didn’t make the dance team because I would freeze up because I wanted it so bad. And I remember to in those tryouts, I remember in our tryouts, we would have to wear these really small like shorts and sports bras. And I remember feeling so huge next to some of the other girls. And so obviously, that didn’t help that made me really self conscious when it was time for those finals. And for me to do like my solo dance. And so I would just freeze up because I just felt so self conscious. And then I’m getting older, there was one specific time where I had joined this program, I was in the 200, around 250 pound range. And I was actually doing really well having success in that program. And I had lost 75 pounds at that time. And I remember, during that program, I would be I would say this mantra to myself, I’m size 10. And I’m thin. And this is a battle that I can when I’m size 10. I’m thin and this is a battle I can win. Like I would constantly tell myself that throughout my weight loss while I was still losing, and I had gotten down to a size 10 When I lost 75 pounds, I was size 10. I still wanted to lose more weight. But I felt really good about accomplishing that goal. And after losing that 75 pounds, I had gotten engaged. And then he loved me. Thank you, Lord that he did, because that just turned out to be a blessing in disguise. And so the cycle continued of losing and gaining and losing and gaining. And later, there was a time where I remember that I was dating this guy, and I was losing weight at the time. And I went over to his house and I had some McDonald’s with me. And he basically berated me for having the McDonald’s because he knew that I was trying to lose weight. And obviously, my self esteem was already fragile at that time. So he just basically crushed my self esteem. I remember I threw my McDonald’s down on the floor, because I was so angry. And I just went in the bathroom and started crying. At that time, the way that I was losing weight is counting calories, so I could eat whatever I wanted, as long as it was within my calories. And that McDonald’s meal was But see, he didn’t understand that and probably honestly didn’t even care. But yeah, that really just crushed me. And then getting older and more recently, I have gone through a divorce. And this was the first time that I was with someone that I finally felt free to be myself, whatever I look like that is the one great thing that came out of my marriage is that during that marriage, I was able to really get comfortable with myself and who I am and really love myself where I was. So all that hurt was a part of that cycle of losing and gaining and why I could not keep the weight off.
How I Got Healed
I finally started loving myself and leaning into my relationship with God. And honestly, he is the one that healed my heart Like I said, I used to be a people pleaser, and I no longer care at least not so much about pleasing people, I care mostly about pleasing Him. And so from that standpoint, if I get disappointed or hurt by people, again, I know where my true love comes from, it comes from Him. Because honestly, if people are going to hurt us, people, we are all human, we do things, even unintentionally, that may hurt other people. And as humans, our love is conditional. And I’ve told you before, this isn’t a biblical weight loss show, but that’s where my healing came from, so that I could start losing this weight for good. So once I got that healing in my heart, I really found a way that I could lose weight that worked for me. And that would be simple. And that would be sustainable, because I wanted it to be something that was going to be long term, because I needed to break that cycle. And I want to tell you that whatever your reason is, you get healing from that, because you may need to get heal from that before you can ever step out of that losing and gaining cycle. And for some of us, maybe we just need prayer for, we may just need to lean into our relationship with the Lord. And for others, we may need to do that, but also get therapy. And there’s nothing wrong with that therapy is going to help us deal with those things in the past so that we can release them and move forward. So get whatever healing you need to get. And however you need to get that because that’s where the long lasting sustainable weight loss is gonna come from. And then let’s work together on the tactics to actually get it off.
So that’s my story. I was basically rejecting people before they had a chance to reject me. And I was just using the weight as a way to protect myself from being hurt. And that may be some of your stories too. But just be encouraged. Friend, you can do this, get the healing. And let’s work on the strategy together.
Alright, see you next time.
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